Allowing myself to get excited….

This post is of more personal nature than I usually (or ever) write about. My plan isn’t to make anyone reading feel uncomfortable, just to chronicle my feelings and what I’m experiencing in my life.

I am very excited, and also very hesitant to announce that Shawn and I are expecting our 4th baby. We are due June 20th.

Excited, because we have been wanting to add another special spirit to our family for a while.

Hesitant, because I have found that I have very little control over pregnancies, and the unknown is frightening to me.

The past year-and-a-half has been very difficult for our family. We have dealt with 2 painful pregnancy loses. Both babies died in my second trimester. Based on several tests done on Shawn and I, my Doctor, and a high risk OB have an “idea” of what is going on.  The treatment is prescription blood thinner. But our 2 loses are not enough to warrant taking the blood thinner. As the Doctor put it, “you are in a gray zone and we cannot treat you with medication until you have experienced 3 loses.” Instead, they are having me take a ton of vitamins and a single baby aspirin.

So, we entered this pregnancy in the gray zone. Not knowing the future, and putting all our hope onto one tiny pink pill.

I have worried every single day for 18 weeks. This has not been easy for me, or Shawn. I have had weeks of migraines and tension headaches. And it has been difficult to focus 100% on the beautiful children I have here at home. The Doctor has seen me weekly for an ultrasound, which has lessoned my anxiety. But it’s still hard not to worry. I have not allowed myself to get excited, I have rarely even talked about the baby, and when I do I always preface it with, “if everything goes well….”

I was talking with my dear friend Carrie, telling her my reservations and fears. She asked me why I was feeling that way. I told her, “Well, I think I’m protecting myself by not getting too excited.” She asked, “If you lose the baby, won’t it hurt the same whether you have been excited or fearful?” I thought about it… yes, it would hurt just as bad. She said, “then why waste your time and energy worrying when you can spend every day thankful and excited for the opportunity you have to carry this baby.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about what she said. We certainly don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know why we experienced the loses we have. I don’t know what Heavenly Father has planned for this baby. I don’t have much say in anything…. except how I live day to day. I don’t want to experience another day of fear over the unknown. I do know that last week I saw a healthy baby on the ultrasound machine.  I plan on being thankful every single day for the remainder of this pregnancy. I will be excited. I will talk about the baby, buy things, make things, and certainly smile much more.

I’ll even take a picture… well, have Jefferson to take one for me….

He took this of me today, outside in the snow (so we could also document the huge snowfall we had last night). We must have gotten 8 inches, beautiful!

So here I am, 18 weeks along! There’s a cute little baby growing in there. It’s amazing how I can feel so huge and yet look so tiny in a picture.

Reagan wanted to snap a picture of me too.

So, here’s to getting excited! I am thankful for honest words from a friend who helped me let go. Being pregnant is my favorite thing IN THE WORLD. So, I will let go of my guard of “protection”, and look forward to feeling that same joy I have had in the past. I embrace nausea, heartburn, an expanding waistline, and many more (some unmentionable) symptoms that go along with pregnancy…. I love them all. It is a gift from Heavenly Father that I do not take for granted. I am very sensitive to others who cannot conceive, or who have experienced their own loses. It is a very personal pain. And we cannot pretend to know how others feel. What I do know is that no matter what, it will be okay, we will all be alright. And if Shawn and my hearts are broken again, I know that we will be alright as well. I know this from experience that our Savior’s love can heal anything.