Letting Go

 We were parked outside Jefferson’s school a several weeks ago, waiting for him to get out. It was silent, and then Grant asks me to “look at that tree over there Mommy.”

“ya, I see it, it’s a nice tree,” a pretty general answer seeing as though I have no idea where he’s going with this.

“no, look at that leaf on the tree.” I look closer and see the one solitary leaf he’s talking about. It was weathered and dark red like any fall leaf. But this was the end of winter.

“why didn’t it fall off like all the other leaves?” Grant asked me.

We talked about how amazing it was and we speculated over the reasons it was still there after all this time.

I’ve been thinking about that leaf over the past few days. I wonder if it’s still there, or if it’s succumbed to the weather. Or maybe it’s been overgrown by the new spring growth. I’ll have to check next time I pick Jefferson up from school.

I feel quite a bit like that leaf myself right now. I feel this past season I have been pushed around in the wind. I have endured loss, fatigue, family stress, children’s health issues, unknown financial and housing issues, children’s educational problems, more excruciating loss, and the unknown future of my family. The winds have blown hard, the rain has poured, and the bitter cold of snow and hail has pounded on my increasingly weakening leaf. I am frail and am finding it hard to stay firmly planted on the tree. I feel at any moment I will lose my grip and be defeated by those forces.

I was thinking of my admiration of that leaf, for its steadfastness. I can only imagine what it has been through. How strong it must be, especially since it is still remaining on the branch after every other leaf has failed to.

Then I realized how wrong I have been….. Could it be that the reason that single leaf is holding on is because it is stubborn? Could it be fearful of the idea of letting go, so afraid that it would endure such strong physical forces instead of letting the wind take it away, somewhere safer?

Then, I realized just how truly similar I AM to that leaf. We are not strong and immovable…. the fact is, we are fearful. We are not getting the big picture; we are resisting the very purpose of nature and point of life. That everything has a season, and that every single one of us will endure great trials in our lives. And it is our choice whether we let go and trust in Heavenly Father’s Plan, or stick things out on our own. It is not in my nature to trust, and I certainly struggle with the unknown. But I cannot be fearful AND have faith, they are not synonymous. I am learning that it is easier to simply let go. It is hard to make that decision, and yet, once it’s made, the burdens almost instantly feel lighter.

I have faith that everything will be okay. And that after every storm, there is new growth. New growth for the tree, physically, and for myself, spiritually. The beauty of spring reminds me of the love of our Father in Heaven, for each of us. I trust he knows what he is doing. I cannot outsmart him. What I feel is best for me and my family could be completely wrong. And what I feel is ‘unfair’ or not what I had ‘planned’, could in fact bless me. He knows me better than I know myself.

So, I am allowing my leaf to finally release from the tree, later in the season than what would be expected. Holding to the branch has been exhausting, and stressful. I feel at peace as it drifts in the wind, wherever the wind may take it. And I know I’m making room for new growth, and look forward to its beauty.