Unsent Letters

A friend of mine wrote little letters on her blog. I thought it was cute, so I am copying her.... because that is what I do best, copy other clever people.

Dear Playmobil – We love your toys. I think half of the toys we own are made by you. But every week when I vacuum we lose more and more of you. It makes me sad to see you go. I wish you weren’t so minuscule.

Dear Superintendent Curtis – I am nervous for the budget message you are delivering in 2 days. I know you must cut spending by $7 million, but please please keep my son's school open. Us parents have been begging and pleading for the past 3 months, but I’m hoping just one more beg will convince you to keep it open. Please please please!!

Dear Jefferson – I love you! You are growing faster than I can handle. I’m sorry that I keep you sheltered, I’m just trying to keep you as young as I can for as long as I can.

Dear Grant – I’m sorry for not playing “the grown-up fighting game” (Risk) with you. I should have just sat down and played it, but I think it’s boring. You don’t even know how to play, so it’s even more boring. Can’t we just play a children’s game? Why do you always want to play Risk? I understand you just want to spend time with me, so I promise to play it next time you ask. I love you!

Dear Reagan – You are 3 years old! I wish you wouldn’t talk like you are 12 months. You are a big girl and you can walk and talk like a big girl! I’ve seen my reflection in windows as I walk by carrying you on my hip, I look foolish. You can walk. If you keep acting like a baby I am going to have to start feeding you jarred baby food. But I love you so!

Dear Amazon – You are the best! You have everything that my heart desires. How is it possible that you sell everything on Earth in your store? Thank you for providing me with so much, and for the free shipping. You are awesome and I can’t imagine my life without you.

Dear Long Distance Friends and Family (you know who you are) – I am sorry for rarely calling, emailing, or writing. This could possibly be one of my worst qualities. I find it difficult to keep in contact with people. But I love you all dearly, trust me. If I called you every time I thought of you, you would block my phone number!!

Dear Shawn – I admire how hard you work. I can’t believe that you have NEVER been absent from school unless you were deathly ill. How do you go every single day? I would have skipped a few by now. You’re amazing. I’m sorry for begging you to stay home every day, that’s probably not helpful. I’ll try to be more supportive.

Dear Oregonian Newspaper – I was just wondering whether you had any extra copies of your April 30th publication. I completely forgot to buy the newspaper the day after Prince William and Kate’s wedding. I need this for my newspaper collection. I realized I forgot it today when I went to pick up the paper for Osama Bin Laden’s death. I got the last copy, phew! Anyways, maybe you could reprint just one copy of April 30th for me? I’ll even drive to Portland to pick it up.

Dear Ian and Clarissa – You are so lucky to live in England. What a great opportunity. I hope you are touring everywhere/thing you can. I would! As a matter of fact, I just asked Shawn if I could go live with you guys and sight-see Europe, but he said no. Well, do it in my stead.

Dear Tooth Fairy – Why do you leave different amounts of money for children’s teeth? My son is curious, and I told him I’d ask you. Why did you leave him $2 for a tooth last week, but give his classmate $5? This doesn’t seem fair. I understand, ‘life isn’t fair’, and my son should learn that lesson. But maybe just a little explanation would help him understand this money discrepancy better. I must admit, I’m a little curious myself. Would it be so difficult to leave the same amount for every tooth worldwide?

Dear Foul Words – You are not welcome in our home. Your presence seems to be more and more frequent. I don’t mind one or two “butts”, “poops”, or “farts”, but really, enough is enough. And don’t even think about inviting over your friend “hate.” You are all obnoxious, yet my boys think you are hilarious. I've had enough of you for a while!

Dear Worker at the Fred Myers Playland – I just wanted to bring it to your attention that you have a false sense of time. If you were not aware, it takes approximately 60 seconds (if not more) to walk from one end of your store to the other. I don’t mind being paged in order to pick up my child. But please allow at least 60 seconds (maybe 70) before you page again. Having my name blared over the entire store 3 times is embarrassing.

Dear Mother Earth – I cleaned my house yesterday. I emptied my cupboards of TONS of things, mostly consisting of plastic, paper, and cardboard. I must confess that instead of walking the 100 feet to the recycling dumpster, I chose to walk only 20 and throw my stuff into the garbage dumpster. I apologize for being so lazy. I hope that no plants or animals are harmed by my neglect for the planet.